Nowadays, with the spread of AIDS, chastity is a word that is heard more often. However chastity, which was explained as sexual self-control in Q 5.1, should not be seen merely as a way to avoid disease or unwanted pregnancy. Chastity is not a list of don’ts. To be a chaste person is to use your sexuality lovingly. This applies too even when you are married! On the other hand, unchastity is often accompanied by selfishness and careless, imprudent behaviour with the opposite sex.

All of us must practice self-control in many areas of life, such as with food, exercise, sleep, or over our emotions. We must eat the right foods in the right amounts, or we will get fat, sick, or both. We must have regular exercise, to keep fit and trim. We must make sure that we have sufficient sleep, or we will be tired and grumpy. We must control the way we express our feelings of anger, or our relationships with our family and friends will suffer. Self-control is necessary and important. Without self-control, we become slaves to our desires and feelings. Without self-control, we will not achieve our goals. In the area of sex too, self-control is necessary, for it helps us to build good, lasting and loving relationships. Will you set chastity as an ideal for yourself, and a goal to work towards?

A Second Letter from Melanie

I was just having a read through and was thinking about love and, you know what? I’m not actually sure I fell in “love” with the father of my child. On hindsight, I think I could have fell in “need” with him. You know how it’s sometimes possible to confuse the two in the height of a relationship that’s driven simply by the sheer NEED for love? Not quite the same as being in love, is it?

I have since realised that sex outside of marriage is just about gratification. I realise now (yes, I have been doing a bit of soul searching) that I’d missed out on savouring the JOURNEY of growing a romantic relationship by jumping queue to the finish line so to speak. And really, isn’t the journey what dating is all about? I was so busy getting to my destination, I’d missed the view on the way.

I used to wonder, in this day and age, what’s the point of abstinence and self-control when pre-marital sex is so common local magazines have how-to guides on it? I think self-control really is something we should cultivate more in our very fast-moving lives (which is encouraged at so many points by the media to lean towards instant gratification) because if you can’t master self-control, you can’t then impart that value to your children.

It’s not just about sex. For me, I’ve always done what I liked. If I wanted something, I went ahead and got it. Have a craving for chocolate? I’ll have one. Cigarette? Smoke one. Need a drink? A night out? And so on and so on. Now that I have a toddler, I find it is hard to tell him he can’t have another sweet when his mum just eats them as and when she pleases. I can’t tell him effectively to not lose his temper and exhibit some patience when I snap and have no patience myself. So eventually, if you live fairly “freely” sexually, then when your kid is a teen, how will you impress upon him/her that it is important to be responsible with his/her actions? I have a friend who is having this exact problem right now.

Because your history is tied to you forever, I figure that one good way to decide what you want to do when you’re younger is to think and see if it would be something you would be ashamed to tell your children next time. If the answer is yes, then don’t do it. There’s a whole bunch of stuff I’m not proud of that I’ve done, things I’d hate for my son to know. I wish I could honestly be that shining example for him.

 

Melanie

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