It is easy for him to say that he intends to marry you. But he can easily change his mind later and decide against marriage. In Q 2.2, it was explained that love is the giving of yourself for the good of another person in ways appropriate to that person. It was made clear (Q 2.5) that sexual intercourse can be a sign of love (for married couples), but that there can be also be sexual intercourse without love (eg, prostitution) as well as love without sex (eg, faithfulness to a paralytic spouse).

Whose welfare is your boyfriend thinking of when he says it is all right to have sex? Is he thinking that it is all right for him, or for you? Which is more difficult for him and hence more loving – to control himself or to have sex with you? And you have to ask yourself: “How can I respond to him in a loving way? How can I help him to become a better, more loving person? Should I encourage him in his selfishness by giving him what he wants?”.

A Letter from Melanie

Sex is Power, Isn’t It?

Sex is power – at least that’s how I think I had been using it all this while. I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize it, but now, at 28, I am seeing things in perspective for the first time.

I had my first sexual encounter at 19. It was purely experimental. I was about to enter university and simply felt “old enough”. The relationship lasted about a year – but I had discovered something powerful.

I found that I was able to unleash strong emotions in men, much like the romantic heroines in movies. I realized that I had the power of pleasure and I could withhold it or dish it out as I pleased… Or so I thought.

Two years into my second relationship, one that I was completely serious about, I discovered that my partner, to whom I had given everything – love, sex, time, devotion – was cheating on me with a friend.

I was devastated. I wanted to marry this guy. For the first time in my life, I felt utter despair. In my desperation, I pulled out the only bag of tricks I had – sex.

In a vain attempt to make him stay, I offered the only thing I could. He spent the night, thanked me and left. I was alone again. Nothing had changed, except now I was doubly cheated and used.

It was a stupid and futile thing to do, but it would be something I would try to use again and again later in life.

Sometime during that crazy week after the break up, I swallowed an entire box of Panadol as well as whatever other medication I happened to have in my hostel room. I must have slept for two days. By the sheer will of God, nothing happened and, with the anti-climax of my attempted suicide, I was thrown back into the world of the living.

 

Lesbian Relationships

My next two relationships were with girls. I was rebellious, had developed a deep mistrust in men, and was being treated really well by a girl. She became my girlfriend and we had what I look back on as one of the sweetest relationships. She is a really good person and I love her to this day (as a friend), but our relationship was fraught with problems. She was always insecure, certain that she would never live up to being a man. I think we both had problems with being in a lesbian relationship – she because she’s transgendered and me because I was never really a “lesbian” so to speak.

Eventually, my relationships with girls also fell apart. I always felt like such a sinner and could not bring myself to go to church – my loss of religion was a greater blow to me than I would admit at that time, but I remember speaking to a priest at Novena Church and fleeing in tears. I could not understand how love could be so wrong.

I was so lost.

 

Becoming A Single Mum

In what would be one of my last sad attempts at snaring love, I decided to have a fling, one of those no-strings-attached things that seemed so fashionable among my peers.

I was 25. And, as an ex-gay girl, I decided my safest target for a fling would be a married man. I used my old sexual power and reeled my unsuspecting victim in.

I had no idea what I was in for.

He was my only sexual partner who insisted on using a condom. Sometime during our intense affair, things started to go horribly wrong.

First of all, I fell in love with him. Secondly, he fell in love with me. Finally, I got pregnant. We spent months agonizing over what to do. In the end, he told me he couldn’t leave his wife as he loved her too.

I tried to keep him with my old bag of sexual favours but, in the end, I still lost.

He went back to his wife and I weathered my pregnancy alone. They were the worst days (months) of my life. I cried every single day, plastered a smile on my face when I left for work, then came home and cried some more.

Even now, I’m not sure how I survived. I remember walking around the house with a kitchen knife, wondering if I should cut myself or jump out a window.

In the end, I did neither. I went back to church. I am now a single mum. My son is 2 and I have found reason to smile again.

One would think that with the benefit of motherhood, I would have grown some common sense, wisdom or maturity. In fact, I was so sure I had.

But I was, once again, proven wrong.

 

Something Amazing

Sometime this year, I developed an inexplicable infatuation on a friend whom I had known for years. Not one to beat around the bush (besides I am 28, not getting any younger), I simply up and told him how I felt.

Instead of jumping on me (as I had imagined he might), he hesitated and I, sensing him withdrawing, turned once again to my familiar bag of tricks.

We came THIS close to having sex. But then an amazing thing happened: He said no. His exact words were: “I like you enough not to want to do it.”

And for the first time in my life, I think I really felt what love is.

I’m not saying I think he loves me. I don’t even know if he likes me that way, but this is what I heard: He loves and respects me enough as a friend and person not to want to use me.

Through an inordinate amount of willpower, he had taken the responsibility of protecting me from myself. For that, even if nothing ever happens between us, he will always have a special place in my heart.

 

Reflection

Life isn’t meant to be lived with regrets. I accept that I have made mistakes but I have learnt from them. Living and learning through the decisions I have made – both good and bad — has made me who I am today. I am definitely stronger and wiser today than I was 10 years ago.

All that said, from here on, I am definitely trying to banish my impulsive streak that has led to so much trouble. If I’ve learnt anything at all from my past relationships, it’s that love is not just a funny feeling you get in your tummy or an inexplicable need to sit by the phone.

Lust isn’t love no matter how intense it may feel. Lust fades with the morning, but love persists even after everything falls apart. And you know what? I’m holding out for that special someone, that someone who will stick it out with me even after I’m wrinkled, cranky and utterly un-sexy. I may have tripped up along the way, but everyone deserves a second chance.

And until my wedding day, I’m gonna be a born-again virgin.

Melanie

(See Case 4  to see what we can learn from Melanie)

< Back / Next >